One, of so many dictionary definitions of ego: “An inflated feeling of pride in your superiority to others.”
wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn – (of ALL the available definitions, this one suits me the best in this moment and it happens to sting the worst. Therefore, here it is..) This being said:
I recently did a series of dynamic Osho Chakra breathing exercises. They are not new for me…I’ve done them before and historically they haven’t been particularly “exciting”. As of today, I can no longer say that. This last weekend, as a result of these exercises, I discovered something unsettling. I was tight… my root chakra was so shut down I felt actual physical pain way up into my right upper belly. My heart chakra was so shut down that my throat was constricted so tightly I was unable to breathe and subsequently and almost instantly I became very confronted and challenged.
(NOTE: I am still processing / filtering through this personal experience and I am in the discovery of exactly all the roles the ego has here. Up to this point, what I have come up just seems to make sense and it happens to be up for me in this moment. I am sure it will all continue to unfold and reveal more as man is always battling and embracing his ego …)
My ego screamed indignantly:
• How many years have I done Tantra?!
• How many workshops, year after year, have I blazed through while fully embracing an emotional scorched earth policy that I left in my wake designed, in part, to open the blocks that are holding me back?!
• Aren’t *I* a man who talks about operating in life with ease, grace and power with one hand on my heart and the other hand on my balls?! How well can I do that if I am tight?
Of course (!) I kept all this to myself. My ego jumped out to protect me from openly admitting:
• that I didn’t have it *all* figured out after all
• that maybe I was a fraud.
• how can I lead men from a place of shut down?
• how am I serving these men in their journey?
• how long have I been shut down and didn’t even know it?! I mean, I felt *fine* before this exercise!
• who else has noticed?
My fucking ego, which was all about me, was running a huge story and it went on for what felt like forever eating away at me as the less desirable part that feels prideful and superior continued to rear its inglorious head.
At the end of the third day of this series of breathing exercises, several things happened. The story of being afraid that I was a fraud went away, my tightness was no longer felt in my root and heart and I settled into the obvious space of “I am human just like everybody else.” Yes, I had experienced tightness in my root and heart and no doubt it *has*, to some degree, held me back. I was presented with a challenge that became an opportunity to stick with the process and get to the next deeper level. As a result, another layer has thankfully been burned away and another block has been shifted or released leaving a freshly cleared new opening for other people and something vibrantly alive to take its place.
Furthermore, I think everyone on this planet, no matter how enlightened, touches on the dark and less enlightened areas that are run by their ego. They also experience their own unique challenges from day to day just like me, and there is no need to feel prideful or superior. With this realization of understanding, compassion and openness, I can just rest. I am not a fraud… really I know that. I am a human being faced with fears and doubts just like everyone else and every day I choose to put one foot in front of the other while I carry a bag of extra tools that I have used effectively over many years to further my own growth and, as a leader, help innumerable men with their own.
For a man, the ego can be our friend in that it takes a certain amount of courage to step out there in life. To have the confidence in yourself that you can compete or to make a huge difference in life against all the odds, takes a certain amount of superhuman drive and knowledge that you have more than what it takes. You have a sense of strength and pride that can carry you through and take on what might otherwise look impossible
Ultimately, the ego, as the foe, was responsible for isolating and insulating me. Being prideful and feeling superior led me into a conversation that I can only have with me and which blinds me to all the value that is available outside of me. When it is all about me, there isn’t enough room for anyone else….and that isn’t very much fun nor is it very productive.
Charu is fond of saying that the Chakra Breathing Exercises are like a washing machine for the soul. Yep, I get that. It seems that right now, with the shifting of some of my energetic debris that is no longer needed, I am learning a new lesson here. They say that the teacher teaches what he most needs to learn. Got it…
When wielded appropriately, a man fueled by his well connected ego (friend) can effect great change when directed toward a higher purpose that exists outside of himself. When ego is his foe, then fear, doubt and pride will have him experiencing a life of isolation and insulation.
I invite your comments..Thank you for reading this.