I am a man who can “handle it.” Not too much in life fazes me. Over the years I have seen more than my fair share of tragedy and injustice that for most others would leave them struggling to remain upright.
However, this is not to say that I am never deeply affected. I have a true soft spot for children and when I witness, or am part of a true and loving connection. But, I do get uncomfortable around grief, pain, disappointment, un – met expectations, injustice and most types of loss just to name a few. Of course, once I become Enlightened, these upsets will only affect the rest of you!! ( insert cheshire grin )
Today, I found myself deeply affected, and uncomfortable, by something completely unexpected:
I went to the LMU campus to drop off a form for my daughter who currently lives in Australia. It was a gorgeous southern California day. The sun was shining and a cool gentle ocean breeze blew through the trees. This was not my first time on this campus. But today, as soon as I crossed the intersection that separated LMU from the city streets, I was hit by some discomfort / emotion that became stronger the further onto the campus I drove.
I became increasingly aware of the history that this campus has for my family. My father graduated from there in 1936 as did many of my uncles who were also very present during my boyhood life. These men are long since deceased and to this day I miss them.
While walking across the field where I sat 2 years ago, proudly watching my daughter cross the LMU stage for her own graduation commencement exercise, I felt more of the discomfort even as it was tempered by all the lively activity around me.
Young men and women, the new students just starting out the year, were having some kind of rush week activities for sororities and fraternities. The youthful and vibrant buzz was palpable and I smiled recognizing all the unknown possibilities and adventures that lay ahead for these young people.
I wondered, during their own times on this campus, my father and my daughter probably did something very similar right there.
My destination was the registrar’s office in Robert’s Hall. This is one of the first existing and still used original campus buildings. I stood in the quiet hallway of this old building and looked carefully at the high ceilings, the thick sculptured plaster walls and large heavy wooden doors. The building had a very particular higher learning aroma. Did it occur this same way 74 years ago? Maybe my father attended classes in this very building… I wonder what *that* looked like?
I also passed the chapel where the funeral masses for an aunt and uncle of mine were held. I thought about them both too.
I was still experiencing heaviness and tightness despite being surrounded by so much of life’s wondrous energy. I felt more choked up and constricted. My level of discomfort was increasing.
I miss my father and my uncles. They did their job well being the examples of good men for me to model myself after. I miss the way they would hug me, tell me jokes, playfully tease me and tell me life stories that both entertained and informed me. My father has been deceased for 16 years. Every single day I think of him and wish he were here.
I also miss my daughter. She is doing well and has been living abroad for the last 2 years. As her father, I did the best I possibly could to prepare for her for life on her own. When she was growing up, we spent a lot of time together. We called it “Special time” and very little, if anything, got in the way of that. I loved having her live here in this home and I love that now she is so happily living the life she wants to. I feel she has been prepared well.
When I got to my car and was driving out, I passed the soccer field where I had spent 4 years watching and reveling in how courageously my daughter, playing college soccer, competed with all the heart she had.
That was it. That was the final straw….over the last 30 minutes, it had all welled up little by little and this final straw was all that was needed to reach the edge of my limit. I was at the point that I had to choose between stuffing it all down or surrendering completely to whatever discomfort had to be fully experienced. I pulled over and in the relative safety of the front seat of my suburban, I handed over my sanity and control to the energy of my upset and for less than a very brief minute I wept. It was all very uncomfortable.
I allowed it all, whatever it was, to move through me. Until today, I didn’t know how long I had been carrying it around with me. When it passed, it was akin to the clouds opening up after a tropical rain burst. I felt lighter and ready to proceed directly and more clearly with the next step that life was offering to me.
Today, I consciously gave myself the gift to experience the ugly, snotty rawness of all that came up. Instead of “handling it,” bottling it up or pushing it down, I let it flow through me. I went straight toward the discomfort and came out the other side.
When I have bottled up or stuffed down similar upsets, some of the costs are:
• I have felt distant and disconnected from myself.
• those that love me also experience the distancing and disconnect. How can I connect with them when I am so far away from myself?
• Situations “mysteriously” go wrong that normally I would be adept at handling
• Negative patterns emerge that always predict a particular distasteful outcome.
• I am unable to get those terrific Higher Purpose projects off the ground no matter what I do
• I feel tired all the time
• I eat crappy food
I suggest that all this has happened because I didn’t want to deal with some discomfort!? What a price to pay!
The message is: Feel it, deal with it all now or suffer interminably and unknowingly for who knows how many years!
What if I had stuffed it down into some deep dark recess with all the other shit? Who would know…really? I could have easily hid it. I’ve gotten away with it so far. Just “handle it’…let’s just move on…don’t let it get you down. Look, here’s something else to do ( any distraction like TV or computer)! God forbid I should be uncomfortable!
BUT, this is exactly what has gotten in the way of me feeling all that is available in life. All the shit that is stuffed down deep has created energetic blocks that interfere with the free flow of vital energy. The kind of vital energy in part that tells me, in the moment, that I am an alive and vibrant human being capable of loving deeply, being deeply loved and ever ready to live the life of Higher Purpose that only this man is destined to do.
Freeing up these blocks allows room for this vital energy to flow freely and further allows something entirely new and rich to occupy space. Instead of the insides of your / my body being dark and fouled with the stench of rotting unaddressed issues, how about opening it all up and experiencing light and freshness? Imagine that!!
There is a time and place for taking care of yourself. Life does not afford us the luxury of pulling over, so to speak, whenever we want to. As soon as possible, find the time and safe space to let it out by yourself or with another trusted person who can hold space for you. This is one way a Men’s Circle can help. All men know that your pain is my pain…your wins are my wins and everything in between is understood on a common ground gut level .
Give yourself the gift of just letting all the nonsense go. Whatever that looks like for you. Today I briefly wept. Other days I just breathe into the tightness or discomfort and then it passes. It takes but a moment to be uncomfortable and then you reap rewards that will last much, much longer.
So, the details for the next Sunday Men’s Circle where we do simple Dynamic exercises that work directly toward releasing these often hidden energetic life numbing blocks and where we discuss the core principles I identify that, when integrated, allows man to operate with ease and powerful clarity in life and experience the magnificence of woman are (in part):
Sunday, September 26th, 2010 from 11:00 am until 12:30 pm ( not this weekend on the 19th— I am out of town)
Location will be a westside park close to the 10 freeway and Overland Ave.
Cost: $20
further details will follow upon confirmation of attendance.