Who the fuck am I…
• when I am afraid to piss her off? ( if I tell her my truth, she’ll shut down and make me pay for it. “No nookie for you buster…you’re in the dog house!”) this is the actual quote that was said to me several times back in the 90’s.
• when I don’t know where I’m going? ( *whining voice*; I’m being pulled in so many directions…I don’t have time for myself…she’s taking all of my time )
• when I’m being drawn into endless drama? ( it’s important for me to win *this* argument)
• when I can’t say no? (I’m always doing for others so they will like me)
• when I’m afraid to hurt someone’s feelings? ( they won’t like me and they will withdraw )
• when I’m always trying to assure absolute safety for myself so I don’t get hurt? ( well, if X happens next time then I’ll do Y, but if it’s even a little bit different, then I know that I need to do a little bit of both Y and Z…so much endless mental bullshit )
• when who I am is predicated on conditions? ( I will be more loving and open when others are open and loving toward me)
*How much of you slides off that ledge you call a foundation as man every time you have been slapped with any of the above, or other similar scenarios?
*How much of that precarious hold on your self worth is challenged when these scenarios play out again in yet another relationship?
It’s just painful… sickening and humiliating. I know. I remember. I was that man and where was the authentic masculine man in all this? Who the fuck was I?
Many years ago, during the times I experienced some of these scenarios, I thought I was the only one having these challenges. There was no way I could ever reveal this to any other man. I was sure he would laugh at me. I would feel stupid and look bad. I was already confused and feeling badly enough. Surely he wouldn’t allow any of this to happen to him!
Over the last 10 years, I have sat in many circles of powerful and mature men both through the extensive men’s work I have done as well as from Tantra classes and workshops. With these men I grew more and more aware of what was truly possible for me. They were / are examples of living life with ease and strength.
I also began understanding that we all are just doing the best we can with what we know. In the most profound instance, it is rare to find a home where there is a strong, connected, compassionate, committed, attentive, present and masculine man who can be the example for a young man in the family.
The examples on TV of man are men who:
• are laughed at by the women,
• are disrespected by the children
• and mocked by their neighbors.
(Think: ‘Everybody Loves Raymond’)
On top of all this, it has become expected of man to become more feminine. Woman has trained us to become like one of her girlfriends, telling her every nuance of how we are feeling. We are told that:
• being competitive is bad
• we all are equal…
• there are no differences between us
We have become good little boys who need to impress mommy so we can / will be loved and accepted.
It gets worse. Since men have largely vacated the masculine role, woman has stepped up to fill that vacancy. Somebody has to do it. Unfortunately, in filling this masculine role, woman has slid off her own natural foundation tragically distancing herself from her feminine essence. The consequence for this is:
All the wonderful qualities that draw man to woman, that actually compel man to show up for woman stronger every day have been neutralized and /or completely dissipated.
The polarizing forces, like 2 magnets of opposite poles, are missing and there is no pull.
Man being more feminine has reduced woman’s attractiveness to him despite what he has been told. She will also not open, she will not surrender.
She will open, she will surrender to an authentic man… not to a man who is occurring in an inauthentic feminine way. That is not a man she can trust. However, you will be great friends and you may have sex, but it will be decidedly lackluster and you will never experience the awesome potential that is available when there is pure, hot, raw, palpable and naturally occurring masculine and feminine energy. This is no bullshit. There is cosmic universal truth written all over this!!
Whether you are in an intimate relationship or not, being an authentic man who operates in life with basic core principles will propel you head long into a life that is:
• supported by truth ( if you are coming from honor and integrity and they get pissed, it’s their problem not yours)
• unambiguous direction / purpose ( I know where I’m going…are you coming with me?)
• drama free ( with clarity, there is less drama )
• when “no means no” plainly, compassionately and simply
• unattached to whether people will like you ( they will respect you )
• guided by your natural gut intelligence (instead of the chattering nonsense in your head)
• without conditions. ( you just “are” – unashamed, unattached and without excuses )
Obviously, we humans are blessed with both masculine and feminine qualities. I am not at all suggesting that we men abandon our feminine qualities or vice versa. For man, and woman, we cannot abandon our natural and dominate individual essences. These differences are to be celebrated and embraced. It is what puts the buzz and vibrancy into the life force surrounding and bathing us. Let’s let woman do her job…let’s let man do his job and trust nature to do the rest.
Augmenting the work of nature, is the next Men’s Tantra Circle where we discuss the core principles I identify that, when integrated, allows man to operate with ease, with powerful clarity in life and experience the magnificence of woman.
I am not the only man who has struggled with all this. Nor am I the only man who has figured some of this out. I invite you to go to MensTantraCircle.com and freely comment on my blog. Let your voice be heard. I welcome all your comments.
I can also be reached at: menstantracircle@gmail.com. I do read all emails.