We were watching a very good movie, “Holy Smoke”, the other night and I found my self really pissed off at one of the lead characters. My gut was screaming at me and my enjoyment of the movie, at that time, was certainly tainted. I was definitely provoked. A variety of thoughts coursed screamingly through my mind:
• *This* is one reason why men are not trusted.
• This is what gives us a bad rep.
• The question “Are you fucking kidding??!!….You, of all men, can’t just say NO!!??.
• Why are you thinking with the smaller head?!?!?
• Don’t you have any fucking clue what kind of damage you can do here?!?!?
*SPOILER WARNING: I am about to share some plot-line here*
So here is the back story of what was going on in the movie. In this movie Ruth is a vivacious, idealistic and impressionable 20 something year old. Her life had gone “sideways.” She moved to India, joined a cult and professed new found and complete devotion to a spiritual guru. This was completely new and opposite of what her parents and family knew of her. They were scared and wanted to get her back.
As a well renowned de – programmer of people caught up in cults, PJ was hired by Ruth’s parents to de – program Ruth. This was a 3 day private process specifically designed to break down her defenses through techniques that included isolation, taking her personal property and generally challenging all ideas that Ruth knew to be true. The goal was to have Ruth realize that her current choices in life were not to her benefit and to return home to her family. Everything is going fairly well despite the natural and fierce resistance to a process that Ruth was not entirely enrolled in.
On day 2 there arises some sexual tension that Ruth initiates. She’s young and hot…he’s older and represents something attractive to her. At a crucial moment when she was scared, crying, vulnerable and naked, she comes on to him. Initially, PJ rejects her advances but very quickly and despite my out loud protests (like that ever really does anything during any movie I have ever watched!) he succumbs to the temptation and has sex with her (aaauuughhh!!!) clearly abandoning and risking the ultimate goal of her mental health and well being by selfishly and immaturely listening to the smaller head. By contrast, the larger head could have held the context of what was best for her and could have seen the possibility of her manipulating him with sex in order to get the upper hand in the power struggle. There may have been some real attraction which in a different distant time and circumstance would have been fine to explore. But not here.
My gut was roaring at me. Ruth represented the “every young woman” that invariably fits into all different roles. She was somebody else’s daughter. She could be my daughter. It begs the question; hasn’t PJ been around enough in life to be able to say No when the circumstances are such!? How many times have this, or similar scenarios played out when the smaller head prevails?
In other areas of life over many years and under a similar umbrella of trust, position and authority, (similar to the dynamic between Ruth and PJ) how much damage to woman has been caused!? Just check the public record of the Medical Board of California. You’ll be surprised how many health care providers have crossed that line! How many police officers have, under the color of authority, wrong fully applied their power when in the charge of women? Parole officer and parolee (“The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” shows a terrible example of this), Professor and student, Jailer and inmate, Attorney and client …the list goes on.
Look, I am no puritan. I know that adult choices are made around the actions we all take in life. I just ask, where is the higher good, where is the higher context, who is looking out for those who are easily manipulated and vulnerable? These are the questions that are, ideally, asked and answered by the larger head. When the smaller head is in charge, the surrounding waters get very murky with decreased clarity, narrow purpose and shallow results.
Not all of us are in an everyday trusted position of authority. When we are, I would venture that most of us are able to maintain proper boundaries. It does, however become challenging when the potential of sex is involved. For instance, PJ was probably a good man. Let’s assume he has done a lot of good work for many people. In the moment that he was faced with the choice of having sex with Ruth or not, the foundation of where he stood as a man was challenged / tested.
I assert that if he were deeply connected to his Higher Purpose and Terms as a Man, this would have been a test that he would have passed. In my opinion, passing the test would have been to hold strong that Ruth was in her process and that the best result was to see her through it while maintaining a safe and secure space for her. Period. And yet, he was also playing a higher game in life which demands less of a connection to gratifying his ego and more of a higher connection to all that is outside of him.
Now I have to confront why this upsets me so much. Sitting here self righteously wagging my finger at him in my glass house is only part of all this. Maybe I am triggered because I have approached woman from my ego too while demonstrating less regard for the consequences of my actions. Surely, in my professional capacity I have always honored boundaries in all ways. I never fucked around in that arena.
What I am talking about is when I was dating many years ago and I was not clear or honest with my intentions. I was taking from the situation instead of participating in a giving and receiving of gifts. I was not aware of what damage could be done as a result of approaching and entering a woman unconsciously. In other words, I know exactly what it’s like to operate from the smaller head.
I am not directly aware of damage that I have created. There is just something inside me that knows I have. It comes out in the anger and rage at the PJ’s in the world I want to wag my finger at, when actually the finger is being wagged at me. Not a fun realization….and no wonder it took 2 pages to get to this.
So how can all this apply to our everyday world? I was very recently asked by a man how he should let any woman he is interested in dating know that he is not interested in forming any long term committed relationship. He is well aware of the tactic that men use to present themselves in whatever way necessary to end up in bed with women. ( this was me, by the way…) You see the ego here, yes…only out for himself?…the smaller head? You may get her into bed, but what about the damage that may result from hurt feelings? What about how she *will* approach the next man with fear, skepticism and being shut down?
By contrast, the larger head would approach the situation completely up front. “Yes, I want to date without any long term commitments… I know that today, right now, I cannot be the man who is in a long term committed relationship..( or whatever )”. He has shown up with clarity, no bullshit…here I am. “I want to spend time with you, let’s have fun (or whatever..)”
Then she has the option of deciding where it all goes from there with full knowledge. Any decision she then makes will be well informed and whatever happens after that is likely to be of great benefit to both. What this man is afraid of is that she will not go for the idea of a short term fun relationship and she will not have sex with him.
I suggested that there is likely to be ANY result. It doesn’t matter! You have shown up. You have been clear. She may want to fuck you *just because* you had the balls to stand up and be so clear!! You never know! And if she says, “no thank you …this is not for me”…then no damage has been done. You both walk away whole as opposed to lying, or being deceptive, or playing a game in order to get what you want.
It takes a certain knowing of who you are to take a stand…to plant your flag so to speak. I know that once I built the foundation that I operate in life from as a man, life has moved with more ease. Connected to my Higher Purpose and having well integrated Terms as a Man allows me to play life at a higher level. The stakes, for myself and others, are greater. I feel no constriction, just freedom.
I know many men who operate at this level. It inspires me to dig deeper into myself so more of me is available. This man I wrote about above also inspires me. His zeal to find the best of who he is, his drive to live a life that is worth living and a sensitivity to approaching woman with consciousness, awareness and truth gives me hope for the new way that life is calling us all out to live. The larger head is the way to go where the higher good and higher context can be held…let’s leave the smaller head where it belongs.