I used to find safety in my ability to be unclear. It was a terrific tool that gave me a way out in case I was challenged; e.g. “Oh no…*that’s* not what I meant,” was always a comforting ‘fall back’ option that was frequently used. How could I be challenged if I wasn’t clear to begin with?
Much of this ‘way of being’ came because I was afraid of upsetting people if I gave an answer that displeased them. I learned early on in life that when I displeased others, my life had a way of being unfavorably changed. Where a smile was, there then occurred a frown often accompanied by cutting comments that deeply hurt and left this small boy scrambling to recover ‘what was’ and furiously noting what not to do again so I wouldn’t be left to feel unsafe, unloved, unaccepted or undesirable.
Another reason I adopted this ‘way of being’ unclear allowed me to slide by when I was looking to be evasive around some kind of commitment I was being asked to make. Many times when I answered “maybe…if I have time…we’ll see…I’ll get back to you….” was my way of saying no without actually saying no. This way of approximating my answers “spared” the feelings of the person asking for the commitment so I wouldn’t risk displeasing them by answering with a clear no and it comfortably afforded me a way to avoid commitment.
As a small child, how could I be held responsible for my need to keep people happy? I was totally dependent on grownups and I was just surviving. As a grown man, applying the tools learned as a child to keep people happy was only illustrating that I had no idea where I stood and I was therefore dependent on their approval for my self-worth. Obviously, a really deep core issue…
Where was I in all that nonsense? I had no idea that every time I approximated any answer that I was selling myself out. I couldn’t be trusted to answer truthfully. An additional consequence was that as I was moving through life I was figuratively rubbing against a life size cheese grater always leaving more and more of me behind. How could I ever have been present and able to enjoy what was happening in any moment if / that I was concerned about how I was going to “be” while weighing out my options?
Of course I know there is room in life for approximating. What I mean is there are often questions that cannot, nor need be, answered definitively in the moment. ‘How many stars are there in this solar system?’….maybe like a trillion, would be an acceptable approximate answer. Because does it really matter in everyday conversation? As opposed to asking your bank how much is the payoff amount for your loan which does require a definite answer as an approximate amount would be unacceptable.
I know that by having clarity around how I answer questions forces me to take a stand. I do my best to avoid using the words kinda, like and sorta which I observe (and judge) to be often over used in many conversations. ‘I was kinda angry…. These shoes were like 20 bucks!‘…. I sorta thought it would be a good idea,’ Maybe it’s just me but are the kindas, the likes and the sortas really necessary? It just feels better, or more real, if I simply hear ‘I was angry… these shoes cost 20 bucks…and I thought it was a good idea.’ Without the approximates it just sounds more definitive and powerful and I am more likely to pay attention. With them it gets in the way of me fully participating in the conversation because I am wondering what the approximations, or lack of clarity, are covering up in this or other conversations.
Hmmm… right now I’m feeling unsettled….. And I’m thinking that this all sounds rather contrived and controlling….. g u l p !… Is my need to have others be so clear and definitive getting in the way of just simple and easy communication about issues that do not need sooooo much clarity? I mean really, not every conversation has the same import as when I call in a prescription to a pharmacy and I say Metoprolol 25 mg, one tab PO bid, dispense #90….you can see the difference yes?
Interesting and more unsettling..…look what’s coming up to float unceremoniously on the surface….I was all ready to rail on how others approximate their answers and really what is being triggered in me is not the less than pristine use of the English language BUT my history of hiding behind my own evasiveness and commitment avoidance behavior that I am judging and projecting others to be doing too……(ouch)! So what if the shoes were like 20 bucks?! All this time while I sat in judgment over these approximations, I have not been present and I have missed out on all the joy that was possible with every interaction!
Also, the story I have about not trusting the unclear answers of others has more to do with how I haven’t always trusted my own answers! (pausing now… while I feel how this one stings too)
Fascinating how all this shit works…..just under the surface lies yet another lesson for me!
At this point, I’m ok with the way I use as few approximates as possible and I can let go of the controlling way of judging others and their use of approximates. For me, it comes easily to be clear with my answers. My no means no and my yes means yes.
I have learned long ago that I do not need the approval of others. If / when they become displeased with me, I know (even better now with my new realization than before) that, unless I have in some way been thoughtless or unkind, I operate with clarity, compassion, context, humility, openness, love, stillness and a new found level of presence that is borne from:
• knowing who I am,
• where I am going
• and what I will fight for.
Come join us at the next Men’s Tantra Circle where we use Tantric techniques to awaken the body and discuss / exercise Core Masculine Principles to build and fortify our foundation that carries us men in ways that:
• other men will respect us
• our women will trust us
• and our children will look up to us!
Please comment. Let your voice be heard… Thank You!