“There is a way
Between speech and presence
Where information flows
In wandering talk it closes
In disciplined silence, it opens”
~Rumi
Not a word needs to be spoken. In the stillness of the moment, it is ALL in the touch.
I know when I have been touched by someone who is in, or connected, to their body compared to someone who is not.
When someone is not connected, there is a definite emptiness. Sometimes I even feel defensive because there can be something very subtly manipulative about the touch. A “ I want something from you” type agenda. Some women have learned to touch a man to draw him in and men certainly can touch as if they were handling a ham hock.
There is a difference between touching and just making two body parts come into contact or to touch with the intention to experience a genuine connection with another human being. This kind of touch can have a powerful effect and move us emotionally. I fear that most people are more careful with how they touch their pets than their lovers, family, friends or even themselves!
There are also the times when I have been touched and I can feel the person. I can feel their connection to me. It feels as good as putting on a warm sweat shirt that’s just out of the clothes dryer on a cold morning. Couple that touch with a sincere eye to eye / heart to heart connection and then there is real opportunity for *anything*.
This is what I, and others, call Conscious Touch and it is not limited to lovers only. We come into contact with so many people every day and subsequently have the opportunity to really meet one another.
Between men, we have the handshake. We all know what a lousy handshake feels like. It’s barely there and it often is missing a brief look into the man’s eyes while shaking his hand. Think of the politician “glad handing” coupled with the fake smile that so many past and current leaders in our local government use in an attempt to connect. Watch the late night talk show hosts who greet their guests, even with a hug, while their attention is off stage somewhere else. This disconnection keeps us separate. How can we possibly meet one another in any real way when we are not paying attention to the great value that is absolutely inherent in conscious touch?!
In the way past, I wasn’t even aware of Conscious Touch. However,I did know what it felt like when I was touched consciously. I have memories of my father putting his hand on me, some teachers giving me encouragement and gently touching me and even my football coach who consciously smacked me on the back of my helmet!
Generally speaking, I was too busy being in my head and constantly and unnecessarily assessing risk. Not to say that I could not touch consciously, it just wasn’t the norm. When I am in my head, there is no connection to my body where my heart and my gut is…where Truth resides.
Some of the reasons I used to use to distance myself from both men and women except with my closest family and children:
• Touching makes me vulnerable
• I might be misunderstood
• They may get to see more of me than I want them to
• My touch may be rejected
With my lovers, there were times I just fell into those connecting moments. They just happened. Very little was conscious about it. Most probably these connecting conscious moments occurred because the woman I was with was connected and open which then offered me a space to naturally fall into.
With my children, there was NEVER any doubt that I engaged in Conscious Touch. For me, that was natural, easy and consistent. There was no effort… it just *was*. I knew my role as a father, I loved them unconditionally and cared for them the way I would care for myself. I was connected to myself and therefore to them on the deepest visceral level
In order to be present and available for this Conscious Touch, in part, it is mandatory that:
• you breathe ( notice how easy it is to find how often you hold your breath )
• you lose your agenda ( put down the list of things you want from this person)
• you stop the internal conversation ( “uh oh…I wonder if she still likes me?”…or about other doubts, fears or judgements)
• you stop the “auto pilot” behavior. (Today is a new day. This is a unique person. What worked yesterday will not work the same way today)
Once Present:
• you will feel the aliveness in your body…a swell of energy or heat as the body remembers itself
• your Conscious Touch can originate from your heart as if you were extending a gift
• wherever you touch will be guided by your intuition…no thinking necessary!
• you will operate from a deep appreciation, honoring and love
For me, the turning point in my life where my connecting with others, or myself, was no longer accidental came after I integrated core principles for who I am as a man and through the consistent use of tantric practices. As soon as I could open to myself, to connect with the natural intelligence / intuition that occurs in my gut ( NOT in my head!), then life opened up with a consistent ease and grace that I never thought possible. It was what I always wanted without actually knowing what I wanted. That is to say, when life was generally going sideways for me, I just knew something was missing. A certain maturing and relaxation was just around the corner that I saw other men have in their lives.
Today, when I shake your hand, I take the briefest of moments…the stillness is almost imperceptible… and because I am connected to my body, (some days are better than others!):
• I *feel* your hand in mine.
• I can sense where you *are* just by looking in your eyes.
• I am showing you who I am…fearlessly, unashamedly and openly.
I want to meet you….. I do not want to waste any time…. Life is too fucking short for the stories and the drama that exist if I am trapped in my head!
I take this awareness of Conscious Touch consistently into my relationship with Charu. For example, a week ago, Charu and I were quietly snuggling and I was gently planting soft kisses all around her face. We were not talking but still very engaged and connected. My face was sooooo close to hers where I would just hover very close over the next spot that my intuition led me to…I could feel her warmth and, still without touching, I could even taste her. When my lips would land, the connection was palpable, alive and vibrant.
At one point while hovering above the soft delicate flesh of one of her eyes, I could feel her eye lashes brushing lightly across and between my slightly parted lips. She was so relaxed in her trust of me and in her allowing me to be so close to her and be in her space….really a very intimate series of constantly refreshing moments. I was even, ever so gently, trapping her eye lashes in between my lips and slightly pulling.
Two things became obvious to me in those moments that brought to me a warm smile of realization:
1) Amazingly enough, after all these years together, I found a new unexplored area on her body!
2) How precious this moment is, my relishing of this, a most minute area of her body, would be something I would yearn for and crave if ever I were to lose my freedom. These moments of:
• connection
• true exploration,
• surprise and wonderment
• vulnerability
• trust
• Truth
o ALL came from me being in the stillness, present and connected to my body.
Tantra sensitizes our bodies…it awakens the parts that are asleep and allows the head to take a rest.
Couple this relaxation and stillness of mind with Core Principles of what it is to be a man and then you can extend and receive the true benefits of Conscious Touch. In that space, with either your lover, friends or with whomever, your touch is at once inviting and receptive. It allows and forms another conduit for an exchange of energy. It opens a space where there is no right or wrong.
It is ALL in the touch!.
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