“What you will teach others will be exactly what you need to better learn for yourself”. This was what I was told some time ago when I announced my desire, and drive, to lead / teach a Tantra Circle for men. As I heard this gentle and knowing warning, there were no alarms sounding in my body. YES…this was good news! Alrighty then….bring it on. Let’s see what this is all about. (Insert typical Alpha Male chest thumping bravado!)
Here’s the story: My woman, Charu, and I were away in Ojai this last weekend for a little get away. As Beloveds, it was all about us having a good time, to relish in the escape – peeling away the layers of energetic debris that clog the filters of even the best of us and to reconnect / repair / or burn away a few of the connecting lines between us that have been recently frayed and stretched. Falling into a weekend of welcome bliss was a context that I was easily enrolled in.
Yet, the energy that is Ojai had other plans for us and we also brought with us a recent history of more relationship friction than is usual. A few hours after our arrival, despite the absolutely idyllic surroundings and our context of bliss, we were “in it”…in the shit so deep that I could feel it sloshing up against my chest. I felt constricted, frustrated and annoyed. Charu, right along with me, was having her own thing going on.
The next morning, we agreed to do some dynamic meditation to loosen up, or outright discard the stale energetic blocks that were quite possibly and unconsciously driving us. These were no longer serving us and we were in need, if you will, of a good housecleaning.
We know that this meditation can sometimes be very healing but also can be treacherous. It is, in the end, always an unpredictable path toward some sort of energetic movement. All things aside, when Charu and I are not triggered, we are actually quite lovely together and we were hopeful of a positive outcome.
Much later after all the vigorous work was done and during the less dynamic phase of the meditation, Charu, revealed to me for the first time ever, that she doesn’t trust me. (!!)
Instantly, I was triggered, dumbfounded and offended and a voice in my head began screaming so loud that she must have heard me:
YOU DON’T TRUST ME?!? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! ARE YOU BLIND?! THIS IS ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS!! IF I HAVE BEEN ANYTHING IN THIS RELATIONSHIP, IT HAS BEEN TRUSTWORTHY. THIS IS THE ONLY RELATIONSHIP I HAVE EVER BEEN IN WHERE I HAVE BEEN ROCK SOLID IN MY INTEGRITY!! YOU DON’T TRUST ME?!?!
Fortunately, all this was occurring with my “inside” voice as I sat calmly across from her.
Maybe 10 seconds go by and the initial instantaneous emotional reaction I felt was replaced with the realization that I have been in my integrity. I know this. There is not a shred of doubt in my mind. A suggestion of anything different is baseless and without grounds. That Charu doesn’t trust me is on her…and with that came a peaceful calm that quieted and then replaced those inner immature and indignant shouts. Aaahhhh… I was coming back into my body.
Immediately following this calm was yet another deeper realization on a genuine ‘I get it… I understand now’ level that compelled me to say out loud, “It’s not that you don’t trust me… it’s that you don’t trust all of man.”
With that said, she broke down and began sobbing for who knows how long. I just sat there silently and held space for this to occur.
Unfortunately, Man has proven time and time again that he cannot be trusted. Just look around. There are many examples of woman perfectly justified in her mistrust. It also doesn’t help that mothers are also telling their daughters that all men cannot be trusted. This was Charu’s experience as she was growing up.
I began to feel tremendous empathy for Charu and then for all of woman who has been scarred by the mistrusting actions of man.
Coincidentally and as an example, the next night, we watched “Dangerous Beauty” set in the late 1500’s around the time of the Inquisition. Men were in charge and when woman was “too powerful” with her influence or her sexuality, she was tried as a heretic and either burned at the stake or drowned. There was no room for her to be her. In order for her to survive, she had to dumb down everything about her, to suppress her natural fire and rich feminine color and take on a monochromatic “one size fits all” persona. Surely there were other men who knew this treatment of woman was wrong, but no one said anything soon enough. Charu looked over to me during this movie and said, “See, this is what I am talking about.”
I am a man. I am a representative of man and, like it or not, all that man has done. But, I am not that man. I do things with and for Charu that encourages, allows and provides safety for her to be ALL the woman she is.
• I want ALL the color.
• I want ALL the fire.
• I want her open, receptive, loving, vibrant and alive.
A monochromatic Charu would be a shameful crime.
That Woman today feels at all that she has to turn down her volume is unjustifiable. When Man shows up and provides a safe space for her to open and flower, think “The Jewel and the Lotus,” then there exists the possibility of richness beyond all we can imagine (for more about this, refer to a previous blog http://menstantracircle.blogspot.com/2010/08/more-women-more-money-and-faster-cars.html ).
There are even songs written and performed by women calling out to man. Sheryl Crow sings one called “Strong Enough” that asks “.. are you strong enough to be my man?”
I am not confining my actions to embrace woman just towards Charu. I approach Charu in a deeply intimate relationship way whereas every other woman I come in contact with presents a different opportunity to allow her the space to be in all of her natural and powerful feminine essence without giving up any of my masculine power.
So what does this have to do with me teaching about what I need to better learn for myself? There are some valuable lessons.
• I was triggered by an emotion which briefly shook me off my foundation as a man and took me directly into my head….the very last place for any man.
• I teach men that when they operate in life and relationship from 7 specific Core Principles that are integrated in their body, then theirs is a life of authentic power and ease. I left my body to be in my head thereby moving away from the natural intelligence in my gut. I sure didn’t feel much ease for a short while
• Above, I admitted feeling constricted, frustrated and annoyed. The essence of Tantra is to be present. Anyone care to speculate how present I was while experiencing that plethora of nonsense? Not to mention how little space I was allowing for Charu to be in during all this.
• I was also operating from a very small context.
It all got ugly very quickly, gifting me with the awareness that I fractured, not one, but many of my core principles and I never saw it coming. Fortunately, I was able to reign it all back in rather quickly, come back into my body and reconnect with all the Core Principles that I am well versed at operating from without thoughtlessly creating and leaving in my wake the kind of damage that is often very difficult, if not impossible to repair.
So, I am here to teach what I need to learn better for myself. I suspect this will be a life long process and some days I will do better than others. I have a solid framework of Core Principles that I will build on for the rest of my life. In the long run, I am much better off having the authentic grounding that these provide.
Sunday Aug 22 is the next Men’s Tantra Circle where we discuss the core principles I identify that, when integrated, allows man to operate with ease, with powerful clarity in life and experience the magnificence of woman.
I am not the only man who has struggled with all this. Nor am I the only man who has figured some of this out. I invite you to freely comment here on my blog. Let your voice be heard. I welcome all your comments.