As human beings we are blessed by the richness of emotions…. or we are driven by them. There is tremendous value in embracing that we are emotional creatures and as such we can , on our best days, harness the energy that arises from those emotions and either use them to further our lives and the lives of others with something constructive, positive and forward moving or for something negative, harmful or backwards.
If we choose to be driven by our emotions, than we are a slave to life reacting as if from reflex. We all know what happens when our knee is tapped by a reflex hammer. There is no controlling that reflex. It is a stimulus that the body acts on *before* the awareness of the movement is even picked up by the brain. The leg has already jumped and there is nothing we can do about it anymore. Much like the damage left in the wake of an unconscious emotional response / reaction, it is a bell that is often one you cannot un – ring…
My last blog discussed the problem / no problem possibility we can all adopt in various challenging situations. Here is another slant to further illustrate that point.
Pick any personal challenging life situation and then find your typical responses: Problem or No Problem
Problem or No Problem
Cursed (why is the Universe ignoring me?) or Blessed
Driven (my boss is driving me crazy!) or “Driver”
Hobbled (why is it I can’t seem to do anything?)or Enabled
Dead (I just want to be left alone…) or Emotionally alive!
Shut down (many walls are up) or Available
Tight (I must control everything!) or Open
Victim (why me?) or Victor
Chaos (I just need a break…it’s too much!) or Calm
Self limiting beliefs (I was never good at…) or Anything is possible!
Hydrant(No matter what I do, or Dog
I can’t catch a break!)
Have you ever said any of these problem phrases to yourself or to another? Of course you have…we all have. Is it a fair conclusion that the more times we say any of these over the course of the day, then the quality of our lives is actually decreased? Even worse, actually so much worse, we could *unconsciously* be in the habit of reacting this way and not even realize it! Ouch…
For years I found myself in the reaction mode of the moment. Many circumstances came up that had me upset. Interestingly enough, it was an upset or a trigger that was often repeated. There was a story, the judgment / assessment and then the almost instantaneous knee jerk type reaction.
And all of this happened in my head! I was looping around more than a ride at Magic Mountain. I was at the mercy of life’s circumstances. “Why me??….My boss is driving me crazy!!…This is too much!!…When do *I* catch a break here!?!”…any of this sound familiar? I had crafted a life so well lived in my head which, unknowingly, had me completely disconnected from my body and the Truth that quite naturally resides there.
Yet, in my quiet moments, when I understandably took stock of the course of my life, I had a deep knowing that there was more and that the way I was living life could be different. I didn’t know what it looked like but I just *knew* that there was a way of living that wasn’t so fucking exhausting for not only me but for those around me! (I can see some of you nodding your heads as if to say…yup, I know what you mean Martin).
The Men’s Weekend definitely woke me up and thank you to Greg Warga for introducing me to that event. Tantra, and thank you primarily to John Hill, then took the energy that was harvested and opened me up to embracing all of what I was experiencing in my body. In my body are the key words here….and my head was finally learning how to shut the fuck up long enough for me to be present!
Present enough to see that in the moment even though I was challenged and starting to feel tight, that I didn’t have to be ruled by the resultant fear combined with confusion and apprehension which would lead to the knee jerk reactions that kept me distant and created unnecessary damage.
Instead of being in my head, I began to notice how my body would alarm in the tightness I felt in my throat, diaphragm or deep in my root. I could then embrace the idea that here was a challenge. Here is the opportunity to “make a silk purse out of sow’s ear.” I learned years ago how I could shift my context like one of the men who regularly comes to the weekly MTC.
In his example, his boss was driving him crazy. He was doing his work, and doing it well, and yet she could never be pleased. Day after day she was condescending, rude, she didn’t listen and therefore, his work life was quite challenging. I offered to him the possibility of a context shift especially since:
• she was not likely to be leaving soon
• she was not likely to change
• and he was not just yet willing / able to quit and go elsewhere.
No doubt, when he is triggered by her, he can feel something arise energetically in his body. He can choose to allow it to spiral out of control and drive him and others around him crazy or he could be thankful that his body has a new influx of energy that he can now apply somewhere else.
What if he could be thankful for the challenges she was presenting to him!! Yeah, I know…what?! Think about it…for a man, challenges offer the opportunity to make you stronger by showing you how deep you can reach to pull out whatever is necessary to succeed and be victorious. Even if on the surface, a man doesn’t win, he has won in that he realized and tapped into a new depth… a new place from which to draw again if ever needed. This is growth and success which is far more fun than being in the problem of endlessly complaining about the boss.
There’s more….. now that his boss is challenging him and he is learning to reach newer deeper depths as a man, why not be grateful for her.? How about thanking her for being such a pain in the ass which is ultimately giving him so many opportunities to grow and learn!? If he can deal with her, in fact even thrive with her and all without her changing a thing, who can’t he deal with? So he tried something new:
… Whenever she was difficult, he would say to himself, “Thank you ( her name here).”
What he found, every time he silently said” Thank you ……,” was that the stress lifted. It didn’t matter what she did, or said, anymore. He was no longer the victim of circumstance being flung around as if attached to an untethered, charged, high power, open 4 inch hose line. (Now, there’s a visual!!) He can choose to be with all of this differently now. No longer driven by circumstances…he is the driver. No longer cursed by a bad day… he is blessed with opportunities to grow.
Keep reading…..It gets better. (This is where the fucking juice is…I promise you…right here in this!!) This context shift also allows this man to be open and available for something new and unpredictable. In this space, he had a new revelation about his boss that he would never have seen before. One day, she was doing her usual thing while he was in a meeting with her and his co workers. Suddenly it occurred to him that *she* was being dumped on by her bosses which was driving her crazy which then caused her to react and be in the Problem for herself and to others around her. Like a bolt of lightning, he now had compassion and understanding for this woman who was caught up and being driven miserably by her own noise. He can deal with that now. He now sees behind the curtain. He is not responsible for her actions…only his. Thus, he can be with her differently because of this new realization now revealing a whole new world of opportunity just from:
• a context shift
• being open and available
• being present
• staying out of his head
…just to name but a few.
So what am I saying here…when we are stuck in our heads, we can never see the potential richness of all that is around us. I know I have missed a lot in life during the years I spent wrapped up in my stories, knee jerk reacting to all challenges while detached from my body …detached from life and worse yet, detached from love.
Now that I have learned to listen to my body and embrace the alarms that come from the problem that brings tightness and upset etc, I can just momentarily and imperceptively pause with a breath and while bypassing that knee jerk reflex, I can choose to channel that influx of energy toward the No Problem column and experience a life of ease and grace. Who can’t get behind that!?
Imagine if you were open and available for something new and unpredictable in every moment of your life!?
This man that I profiled above, has had a profound shift with this simple tool. He wins, his boss wins, his co workers win….don’t make the mistake of thinking that the results here are small. They are often imperceptible…but a shift definitely occurred and a new way of being is now in play. This quote comes to mind as a possibility, “Be the change you want to see in the world”…Ghandi .
**These are tools that take practice…start small…get help….don’t do it alone. Find your men…learn, grow and share.**
Come join us at the next Sunday Men’s Circle where we use simple yet dynamic exercises to awaken the body and get us out of our heads. We spend time discussing the Core Masculine Principles which when integrated allow to us to live an authentic life of ease and grace.
I would love your comments. Let your voice be heard!