Let it H A V E you…

While coaching men, I encourage them to let whatever feelings (anger, grief, frustration, doubt, fear) that are coming up, to just H A V E them….just allow whatever it is to C O N S U M E them…feel it A L L.

This is always a golden opportunity to shift or move out of the way whatever it is from his past that is holding him back in order to make room for what will now serve him. I had no idea that my turn to feel it A L L for myself was coming just around the corner…

Serrano, my 4 legged, ‘fall in love with her immediately’, warm, gentle, smart and furry pit bull who lived with me for 11 years as my constant companion had to be unexpectedly, and most necessarily, euthanized last Thursday in the late afternoon.

I held her so close to me, cradling her head in my hands, stroking her face and quietly whispering in her ear, “I love you Doggers…..thank you so much for everything” as my tears and snot rolled down her fur. I convulsed for about 10 seconds into body racking sobs when the now empty syringe was withdrawn from the catheter port. This beautiful creature who brought so much joy, happiness and the occasional challenge to me, my children, Charu and all who met her was now so eerily still. Her battle with cancer was over. Her demise was exquisite as she was delivered to peace with care and love.

Fortunately we had one of the most compassionate vets I have ever known holding space for this difficult moment. Thank you Dr. Palmquist. Your gentle care and warm reassurance that this was best for her was what we, and Serrano needed……and yet I felt ruinous grief and I was stunned to the core. I hate change. I hate saying goodbye. This really… really hurt.

I grew up hearing that life goes on…buck up….shake it off….get back to work….get over it as the way to deal with most all of life’s unfair insults. Men and boys were not allowed to show their feelings. If you cried you were weak… a sissy…a pussy. While growing up I saw more than one boy run away in an effort to hide in shame because he started crying. When girls cried, they were embraced. We boys learned young to hold close our feelings of sadness.

This is not to say that crying is permissible in all cases because sometimes I think crying can get in the way. It can keep you from being objective. It can take you out of the fight, so to speak, by hindering your ability to function effectively in unusual circumstances.

For example, over the 9 years I was a paramedic, I dealt with traffic accidents, hangings, shootings and knifings. I also saw many horrific things like drowning’s and burnings that tragically affected children who are the softest and most innocent. In the moment, I had a job to do to save my patient and I couldn’t afford the luxury of falling apart. However, after my 24 hour shift was over, I then allowed whatever I had to shove aside to move through me. I knew if I didn’t give myself space for that, it would adversely affect how I was with my kids when I got home.

When you are in a safe space, release can happen. Certainly Charu and I have leaned heavily on each other while we allow our grief to C O N S U M E us…to H A V E us.

You know, I do have a choice here. I do not have to go through this. I can say to myself, “life goes on…buck up….shake it off….get back to work….get over it” and through these distractions, the awareness of the pain will stop. I can stifle the sob before anyone else sees it. I can stuff it down…”I can’t deal with this now.” I’ll just work really hard to unnaturally shove down the emotion that naturally wants to happen.

For just this next moment, consider that on one extreme side of a widely swinging pendulum exists grief and on the other side there exists bliss. I’m suggesting that the more narrow the range of that pendulum swing, the less richness in life and relationship we are allowing ourselves to experience. The degree to which we allow ourselves to be fully expressed within the reach of that pendulum directly correlates to the degree of how rich our lives are.

Sure, I can spare myself all the excruciating pain by not allowing the pendulum to swing deep into the grief side but by not allowing myself to feel this intense grief, I am conversely inhibiting the pendulum from swinging into the deepest part of the opposite side where bliss exists.

What are the benefits of experiencing the fullest spectrum available between excruciating grief and bliss. Can you imagine what it would be like to experience:

• the love of your child if you could let it C O N S U M E you?
• how delightful the touch of a loved one would be if you could deeply feel A L L of it?
• how alive the taste of your food would be if you could let it H A V E you?
• how mind-blowingly ecstatic and satisfying your orgasms could be if you let them H A V E you?

So when the tough times hit, just breathe and feel it A L L…..Let it C O NS U ME you. It will pass through you soon enough releasing you from it’s grip.

Conversely, when you do feel bliss, as in the examples just above, let the it H A V E you…let it C O N S U M E you and feel it A L L !

Because you allow the pendulum to widely swing, when it wants to, into excruciating grief…then you are open to experience the greatest of bliss and consistently nourish your vital essence thereby allowing room for you to be fully self expressed in life, with Woman, your children and your community.

When your vital essence is fully expressed you:

• walk through life authentically in your Truth
• can be touched deeply by the love of another living creature
• can fully appreciate the wonder and beauty of nature
• can fully embrace the true value of relationship
• live a high value life driven by a higher purpose that compels you to get out of bed in the morning
• can let what wants to happen, happen
• experience a life worth living and fighting for

Note: a true example of my process around the loss of my dog looks like being triggered multiple times by any number of fond memories and feeling the loss deeply for a few minutes, if that long. Then, resolution begins almost right away, where I remember something hilarious that she used to do bringing me to smile, laugh and enjoy. So, from intense grief I go right to laughter or warm smiles where I let the celebration of her life C O NS U M E me and give thanks and feel A L L of the many blessings to have had the gift of such a wonderful pet!

The pendulum is swinging quite widely!

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