“Outing” Myself…a very personal trip into the depths.

Another layer has been ripped away…and *this* one was a deep one….down to the literal core of my being. The kind of ripping away where the skin under the scab comes up with a surprise traumatic de – roofing … and it is raw, bleeding and stinging all over again instead of protected under a crunchy covering…

Some 40 years ago, in a desperately hungry search of love and attention that I mistakenly thought would fill me up, I allowed myself in my immaturity and naiveté to be victimized in several ways that inside of me even today, brings up a near debilitating shame and paralyzing fear of exposure. I can still feel it now too…

The kind of things that happened were what I feared my own children, by the hands of another, would fall prey to if I didn’t do my fathering job correctly.

How can I be sure that they felt loved beyond measuresafe without fear…and supported in their fragile fledgling development so that they would have the confidence and courage to know better and NOT carry on them some kind of tag, visible only to the lowest of predators, that here was weak lamb and a target to be taken easy advantage of and ultimately robbed of some of the most precious times of young life….?

Today I feel vulnerable and tender…just like I did way back then because three days ago, during a ritual in the company of other men in a safe and sacred space, I took a chance and instead of hiding, I chose to rip away at this protective layer. I wanted to “out myself” and risk the fear of exposure and judgment by letting them know what I have been d r a g g i n g….. around…… behind me……., like a sack of rocks, which has held me back in so many ways.

Why would I do that? I reasoned, at this point, that the pain of holding on to this any longer was just simply unacceptable and that to find a way out from under the heaviness of loss and to experience again the long lost freedom I sacrificed so many years ago, was to give voice to what I have been hiding for so long.

This hiding has taken energy…valuable – life – force – vital – energy that I have robbed myself from using for something productive and contributory to life. This hiding has also separated me from experiencing many of the joys of connection.

Ripping off this scab allowed the bright and hot light of day to penetrate, expose and incinerate the gremlins running the “Martin Show” from deep inside. From where they hide, these gremlins pull the strings that give form to the structure of the coping mechanisms of armor and distance I have used to survive… instead of thrive.

So now, I have exposed myself….the gremlins have been incinerated and I am left feeling somewhat wobbly without the past stories to hold me up and unknowingly hold me back. I have a new energy flowing. It feels like a surplus, an extra sum, of energy. A new arena for connection and intimacy is opening. Maybe I could now use this energy to relax and receive?! Imagine that….what a very welcome and novel outcome!

Like an explorer, I stand in new, uncharted and unfamiliar territory. It is vast and I feel small within its grandeur and somewhat tenuous as there are no obvious boundaries to keep me held and safe.

While standing here and admiring the view, I more fully see what I have always known anyways; that here is where I can choose bring my own love, openness and sense of being whole TO life….instead of looking for life to bring it to me.

Like I just said, this is a not so new piece…I have appreciated, and chewed on it for some time yet, now within this present powerful vulnerability and raw tenderness, I see it with a much broader view, a deeper awareness and significantly more clarity.

This will be an interesting journey…each step I take will require courage and promises to NOT be for the faint of heart! At this point, I can ONLY imagine how my intimate relationship with my Beloved will grow and flourish even more than it is already.

I can also only imagine how the other areas of my life: career, relationship to my children and their loved ones will improve! Never mind the new found infusion of energy that will fuel my Higher Purpose!

Thank you for reading this all the way through.

I invite your comments…allow your voice be heard!

**Side Note: One of my passions is to support and open new doors of awareness for Man to step powerfully into an intimate relationship with Woman.  I have cultivated and practiced specialized knowledge and techniques that can move the blocks, the stories and the resistance that stand in the way of this being a reality for you.

There is new territory for us all out there to discover and just waiting to be explored. I have recently completed with 2 private clients. Clients who have said they were done doing life the way they have always done it and were willing to go spelunking into their deeper caverns to shine a light on all that is possible!

These are few notes about their successes!!

  • One man has gotten out of his own way enough to now, after stumbling and fumbling for so many years, to be in the successful relationship that he has always wanted — all the while maintaining a successful business and raising a teenage daughter!
  • The other man has now taken on a globally sized (literally global) Vision and Higher Purpose to heal those who have been traumatized by sexual abuse. This man is lit up beyond measure…his voice is passionately loud and clear. TODAY, he is unrecognizable by comparison to when we first started working together when he was quiet, bitter and angry…

I have room in my practice for 2 more men who are ready to do their lives differently and realize amore of what is possible. Let me know!

www.TheBestofMan.com




Comments

  1. Hey Martin,
    Thank you for sharing. Not sure what exactly you went thro, but I can guess, and it’s very brave and empowering of you to share it, helps others feel brave about doing the same. I have had some similar experiences but they are not bad memories for me, thankfully, but have probably shaped many things for me.

    Have you watched the movie “Kinsey”? That was life changing for me, to accept me for who I am, and to realize that everyone is different and no one is normal! Liam Neeson should have got an Oscar for that role, and what an amazing man Alfred Kinsey was, revolutionized the way the world thought about sex and sexuality and brought so many things we take for granted today, out for the first time from peoples deepest darkest mental closets and took debilitating shame away from them for things like masturbation and any form of sex other than the missionary position!

    I have also been helping with some PSA for Pedophilia and it’s been so sad to learn how many people have been adversely affected by this, and had their childhood torn away from them.
    Am so glad you were able to share this at the men’s group and help extinguish or diminish your nightmares.

    Tyler Perry did an amazing thing when he went on Oprah and spoke very frankly and in detail about him being abused by 3 men and a woman as a child, and how that affected him. The show then had a room full of men who opened up about their experience of being sexual abused as boys, many revealing this for the first time in their lives to other people including their spouses. Very moving, very powerful. Here’s a little clip that I found.

    http://www.thedailybeast.com/videos/2010/10/20/tyler-perry-reveals-sexual-abuse-on-oprah.html

    These are a couple of websites that we found when preparing for the PSA. The first is for parents wanting to protect their children from being sexually abused.

    http://www.stopitnow.org/faqs

    And this one is for those who are sexually aroused by children and who want to stop themselves from abusing them.

    Thank you again for sharing and being so brave and for bringing attention to this difficult and sad issue.

    big hug
    Chacko

  2. Martin, you are authentic, open, honest, and brave. You are a shining light for all of us. Rather than endure a life of suffering as a victim, you found a way to survive and thrive. No matter how difficult life can be at times, there is hope for a better times ahead. Society seems to portray an image that victims, of any serious circumstance, are destined to suffer their entire life. Your life story is evidence to the contrary. The virtue of hope is alive. Thank you so much for this post and for you being you. Life is wonderful!

  3. Martin,

    My first thought was a selfish, “Damn, I missed the men’s group meeting that day!”

    Oh well, that’s my own fault.

    Of course, as someone who has grown to love you over the years, that thought was quickly replaced by a feeling of joy for you. And the feelings of respect, community, camaraderie, and gratitude.

    Thank you again for making a space where all of us can confront these thing in ourselves and face the world as stronger and more integrated men.

    Thank you for sharing so deeply and for being an example of how we can courageously go into new territory in our lives.

    • Thank you Joseph for your kind words.

      This stuff of confronting demons and the stories that hold me / us back in life is challenging work. I used to think I could do this all alone…and truth be told, I sometimes still do. Yet, I am here to tell you that it is much easier when it is done in the company of men who are just like me…just like you …just like all other men.

      I also feel a deep reverence and honoring for what you bring to the CIrcle as well as for who you are as a man. We’ve known each other for so many years and my growth would be less without having you around…

  4. Well, then the only thing I can do from my far-distance (seemingly) of being still armored enough not to (as of yet) not let in my own “Charu” is to Namaste celebrate the breakthrough of another — you. My sense is that the more we can allow that, it benefits the all as well as each of us. And so I’ll allow myself a tiny sprinkle of that for myself too 😀 It’s the Metta-thing to do/be…

  5. Philip, you’re right. My soul weaving with Charu has been long and rich and there have been the stories that have been attached to every relationship I have ever been in as a result of my early background. Unfortunately, despite how deep we have gone together, which has been remarkable (!), there was really only so far I could go. Here now exists more territory to explore within myself so I can bring more of the best of me now newly unattached to that sack of rocks.

  6. Thanks, Martin – I had to slightly marvel at you saying “… a powerful vulnerability that will bring me closer to a deeper intimacy and connection that has eluded me for 40 years” considering your long soul-weaving with Charu. While I don’t know either of you really, I’ve considered you among what I used to call (and wanted to partake in) as being “pioneer couples.” But then, everything is relative. The upward widening spiral of expansion is literally infinite, so there’s always room for a few more acres of it within 😀

  7. Philip, I appreciate your curiosity about the details of what happened to me. The main point of my very personal post was about the release/ catharsis of the ways I had protected myself from the risk of connection and love. Now, without that familiar structure of protection in place, I feel uncomfortable, excited and hopeful in the newness of a powerful vulnerability that will bring me closer to a deeper intimacy and connection that has eluded me for 40 years.

  8. Sounds like a catharsis, Martin — and a healthy one. That said you didn’t share what the actual d-r-a-g-g-i-n-g was, but that’s part of sharing intimately — setting boundaries in public blogs and articles. If open, I’d welcome you sharing what that was via a private message. I definitely have d-r-a-g material but of a different sort, nothing to do with sex or sexuality as far as I know, but it is violent in terms of how it “messages” me with imagery as allegories and how I react to certain things from a visceral space — i.e I can’t stand birthing scenes and screams or babies/infants crying — they rip into me like hot iron I’m also not into pity-pot or false-memories stuff so I still haven’t really accessed it fully. In due and right course. If you don’t wish to share, that’s totally fine too. ~ Philip

  9. Damn Martin Hannon… I am near speechless knowing what you ripped open, knowing what you cleared and knowing the light you shown on the path for us men to follow. I stand in awe, in gratitude and in reverence of your courage, your strength and your willingness to open yourself yet again to a deeper place. Thank you brother, and from my heart to yours, may this new territory be rich, gentle, nurturing and full of the love and connection you so deserve. I love you brother. I love you with a full and open heart.

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