Another layer has been ripped away…and *this* one was a deep one….down to the literal core of my being. The kind of ripping away where the skin under the scab comes up with a surprise traumatic de – roofing … and it is raw, bleeding and stinging all over again instead of protected under a crunchy covering…
Some 40 years ago, in a desperately hungry search of love and attention that I mistakenly thought would fill me up, I allowed myself in my immaturity and naiveté to be victimized in several ways that inside of me even today, brings up a near debilitating shame and paralyzing fear of exposure. I can still feel it now too…
The kind of things that happened were what I feared my own children, by the hands of another, would fall prey to if I didn’t do my fathering job correctly.
How can I be sure that they felt loved beyond measure …safe without fear…and supported in their fragile fledgling development so that they would have the confidence and courage to know better and NOT carry on them some kind of tag, visible only to the lowest of predators, that here was weak lamb and a target to be taken easy advantage of and ultimately robbed of some of the most precious times of young life….?
Today I feel vulnerable and tender…just like I did way back then because three days ago, during a ritual in the company of other men in a safe and sacred space, I took a chance and instead of hiding, I chose to rip away at this protective layer. I wanted to “out myself” and risk the fear of exposure and judgment by letting them know what I have been d r a g g i n g….. around…… behind me……., like a sack of rocks, which has held me back in so many ways.
Why would I do that? I reasoned, at this point, that the pain of holding on to this any longer was just simply unacceptable and that to find a way out from under the heaviness of loss and to experience again the long lost freedom I sacrificed so many years ago, was to give voice to what I have been hiding for so long.
This hiding has taken energy…valuable – life – force – vital – energy that I have robbed myself from using for something productive and contributory to life. This hiding has also separated me from experiencing many of the joys of connection.
Ripping off this scab allowed the bright and hot light of day to penetrate, expose and incinerate the gremlins running the “Martin Show” from deep inside. From where they hide, these gremlins pull the strings that give form to the structure of the coping mechanisms of armor and distance I have used to survive… instead of thrive.
So now, I have exposed myself….the gremlins have been incinerated and I am left feeling somewhat wobbly without the past stories to hold me up and unknowingly hold me back. I have a new energy flowing. It feels like a surplus, an extra sum, of energy. A new arena for connection and intimacy is opening. Maybe I could now use this energy to relax and receive?! Imagine that….what a very welcome and novel outcome!
Like an explorer, I stand in new, uncharted and unfamiliar territory. It is vast and I feel small within its grandeur and somewhat tenuous as there are no obvious boundaries to keep me held and safe.
While standing here and admiring the view, I more fully see what I have always known anyways; that here is where I can choose bring my own love, openness and sense of being whole TO life….instead of looking for life to bring it to me.
Like I just said, this is a not so new piece…I have appreciated, and chewed on it for some time yet, now within this present powerful vulnerability and raw tenderness, I see it with a much broader view, a deeper awareness and significantly more clarity.
This will be an interesting journey…each step I take will require courage and promises to NOT be for the faint of heart! At this point, I can ONLY imagine how my intimate relationship with my Beloved will grow and flourish even more than it is already.
I can also only imagine how the other areas of my life: career, relationship to my children and their loved ones will improve! Never mind the new found infusion of energy that will fuel my Higher Purpose!
Thank you for reading this all the way through.
I invite your comments…allow your voice be heard!
**Side Note: One of my passions is to support and open new doors of awareness for Man to step powerfully into an intimate relationship with Woman. I have cultivated and practiced specialized knowledge and techniques that can move the blocks, the stories and the resistance that stand in the way of this being a reality for you.
There is new territory for us all out there to discover and just waiting to be explored. I have recently completed with 2 private clients. Clients who have said they were done doing life the way they have always done it and were willing to go spelunking into their deeper caverns to shine a light on all that is possible!
These are few notes about their successes!!
- One man has gotten out of his own way enough to now, after stumbling and fumbling for so many years, to be in the successful relationship that he has always wanted — all the while maintaining a successful business and raising a teenage daughter!
- The other man has now taken on a globally sized (literally global) Vision and Higher Purpose to heal those who have been traumatized by sexual abuse. This man is lit up beyond measure…his voice is passionately loud and clear. TODAY, he is unrecognizable by comparison to when we first started working together when he was quiet, bitter and angry…
I have room in my practice for 2 more men who are ready to do their lives differently and realize amore of what is possible. Let me know!