I believe that the yearly ritual of Valentine’s Day can bring either frustration or peace to men. Look, we all know that this is not a day that we men honestly look forward to. At least, I don’t…
I do have conscious awareness, and look forward to, Father’s Day, Christmas and the birthdays of those most dear to me yet, Valentine’s Day just isn’t on my radar. It *is* however, on the radar of my woman, Charu, and many other women.
Valentine’s Day is the one day of the year that, despite the historical, anecdotal or cultural relevance / connection to Pagan festivals, Christian saints, Chaucer’s love birds and the Greeting Card Association of America, it promotes the acknowledgement and recognition of love, romance and connection in relationship.
Like it or not, Valentine’s Day is here to stay and just like anything else we deal with in life, it is always in how we “hold” it. What is our Context? How are we being and / or what are we saying with our actions that others are “getting” about us, without us saying a word?
Specifically about Valentine’s Day, how do get to the place where our Context comes from the choice of being either Man #1 or Man #2?
Man #1 who is frustrated, feels and is influenced:
• by the pressure to get it “right”
• how he needs to “impress” his woman
• that *this* is the only day that counts
• to “show his love” *this way* by buying “x”
• to not be the “shlub” that your woman will complain to her girlfriends about
Man #2 who is at peace, feels and is influenced:
• by his acknowledgement and acceptance that this is a special day for her, *just* because it is
• he already considers that every day, in this relationship with her, is Valentine’s Day anyways! (why does Feb 14th have to be different than any other day?)
• knowing that whatever he creates for her on this day will be accepted and cherished
• he doesn’t need to impress her..he just *is* and she is either impressed, or not.
Many, many years ago when I was Man #1, I remember feeling considerable tightness while efforting to be being sure I got Valentine’s Day right. I spent an inordinate amount of time considering all the potential outcomes from my actions and having expectations for certain results that unfortunately had me operating right from my head. I had been with women who used their own past stories, from other relationships, to “guide” me toward what they wanted and I was allowing myself to operate from their context instead of operating from my own. Needless to say, I was a man who lacked integrated Core Masculine Principles which left me at the whim of others….AND I didn’t even know it. All I knew was that I was uncomfortable and uneasy while depending on the approval of my Valentine. That tastes bitter even today…
Today, at this point in my life, I am thankful that I have learned many lessons on this last decade long journey of working with while also supporting and being supported by men and also with my earth shattering, armor busting and heart opening experiences with Tantra. It also greatly helps that I have always been very much a romantic person. Way back from when I penned all those love letters to my 5th and 6th grade crush, I knew something was up from the way I could feel my whole body was alive as I freely expressed myself from an open heart.
Today and every day, I look appreciatively at my beloved Charu and am thankful for how special, unique and lovely she is. I know without a doubt that I have been given a gift that I do not take for granted and I know that I am so very lucky that she has chosen to be with me. This is not something I just came up yesterday so I could be in a place that would make Valentine’s Day easier. It is a Context that I hold every day. On the days I am not as verbal with my love and appreciation, even without me saying a word, she gets it.
Can you imagine the Context frustrated Man #1 holds?
• “I can’t wait until it’s over…”
• “Maybe *this* will finally make her happy…”
• Oh shit…it’s Valentine’s Day again?!
Don’t you think she will hear/ intuit / feel all of that as you labor through whatever you do, or don’t do?!
Remember that Woman is the most intuitive creature on the planet. Her sphere of awareness has more folds and layers than we as Man will ever understand. Even when we think we are being slick, She can read us like a book.
What do you think the Context is for peaceful Man #2?
• “Thank you ( fill in her name here )”
• “Every day is Valentine”s Day…!”
• “*Just because* it’s important to you (her)”
Can you see how even though nothing has changed except the Context in this Valentine’s Day scenario:
• you are still the same man
• she is still the same woman
• and it is still Feb 14th…
• It is ALL about the Context you hold. So, choose and own your Context. Whatever actions you take, your Context will always be revealed.
This is where it becomes clear that Valentine’s Day is a “No Brainer”:
• Your Context is something that you generate from your gut or your heart. It is something that just *IS* and not because you are keeping your mind on it. We want to stay out of our heads, yes? Remember, for Man, our heads are a toxic place. We do nothing but create problems when we are operating from our heads.
In our heads we spend time analyzing, wondering, listening to the voices of doubt and become easy prey to the endless chatter that confuses us and slows us down. The cost of being in our heads is that we cannot connect to our bodies…our gut, where our intuitive masculine essence is…where the Truth of who we are resides. Disconnected from our Truth, we are doomed to wallow in dis-ease and confusion and always wondering why things do not work out.
Let’s talk about the Valentine’s gift. This is actually the simplest part of the whole deal. By now, we can assume you have chosen a Context consistent with peaceful Man #2. That being done, you will already be connected to your heart (not your head!) and whatever gift you give her will be perfect no matter how much it costs or how simple it is.
Whatever gift you choose to give to her, let it be an authentic expression of your love for her. Take into consideration what you know about her that makes her eyes light up. Be creative… do something that has never been done for her before. What could you create for her that is one of kind…something that you personally make that exists nowhere else on earth but now is in her hands? Let your heart guide you.
Here is an example: Several years ago, Charu and I were at a residential workshop in Big Bear. I was outdoors enjoying the mountains on my own and decided that I wanted to honor her with a gift. I carefully selected pieces of nature that lay on the ground around me. Using only those natural products, I spent about 30 minutes weaving a varying display of flora into a decorative bundle. While I was creating it, I was connected to my open heart and to the thankfulness I experience for having her in my life. She could not have been happier when I presented it and to this day, it rests still bound together on her altar.
Despite having some additional significance, February 14th is really just another day, among the other 364, that can be used as an opportunity to live a life of ease and grace. Life does not have to be complicated or challenging beyond how it already can be. Having a connection to your Truth, which is accessed through your gut and your heart, provides the cement and raw building materials to build the structure that is uniquely you.
Come join the weekly Sunday Men’s Circle, hosted here in Los Angeles, where we use simple and dynamic meditations to unlock, open and awaken our bodies (getting us out of our heads!) and spend time discussing and explore the Core Masculine Principles which ultimately define:
• who you are
• where you are going
• and what you will fight for.
This knowledge is essential to living a life of ease and grace and an additional benefit is that Valentine’s Day can be a “No Brainer” and experienced with peace… as opposed to frustration.
I welcome your comments…let your voice be heard! Thank you.