Candy, a woman that I know, shot me a quick email asking several questions and wanting this man’s perspective around sex. Here, with her permission, I paraphrase those questions:
“Do all men disengage after sex and do they because it is safer for them?
Was he just giving me all that he was capable of giving me?
Am I asking for too much?
I have heard that a man opens through a woman but once open it seems challenging to remain open.”
I feel these questions are so important to address because in many ways they cut right to the core of very deep issues that have or currently affect us all. FYI, what I have chosen to write about here are not necessarily answers to these questions, but rather an exploration of what all men can learn from them. I am not representing these explorations to be in any way completely comprehensive nor based in true medically documentable ways. I have opinions based on my experiences, my training’s and my awakenings to what is and has been possible:
That all being said, as I read Candy’s questions, not only could I feel her pain (I imagine that she feels there was a ‘less than’ result for her from the choice she made to open up to a man / men) but I noticed that I could feel the bitterness of my own past rise up close to the surface because I too have been the man that:
• did roll over after sex.
• disengaged during sex.
• just gave her what I wanted to give and not what I was capable of giving.
• knew I felt much better inside of her but was unaware that I was “open.”
• was more concerned for myself than for her
This was not my usual way of being, but this did happen and I do know that there were many times that I created damage in my wake by being unaware and unclear. That feels like crap. I know now that I cannot do anything about what happened, but in this moment, using all the tools I have gained over many years, I can consciously choose differently thereby achieving entirely new results.
Having said that, woman is playing their part too by participating in and even co – creating a dynamic that is played out and ultimately, if addressed, can be used as a ‘breaking through point’ for both of their growth. For example; she is possibly repeating a pattern that has been with her for most of her life by creating situations where she is under-valued and he is possibly repeating a pattern brought to the surface by some unknown trigger where he chooses to shut down and disengage when faced with intimacy.
Fascinating creatures we are and yet how do we identify and then break through these old patterns and explore a new possibility? Pay attention men….knowing this will benefit you greatly. Candy, you will benefit too.
I suggest we start early on before sex even has happened and agree that men and women often approach sex from different angles.
Some of those angles, that can cross and cause upset, occur when we choose:
• to “just have fun”
• to newly explore a budding romantic connection intending relationship
• to nurture an already deep and profound connection
When those angles are mutually aligned then there will likely be:
• rapture
• connection
• emotional intimacy
• acceptance
• increased well being… etc.
When those angles are incongruent, feelings get hurt and there will likely be:
• shut down
• distress
• tightness
• dis-ease
• and pain…etc
For example, when a man says, ‘I am crazy about you…I think you are great…I love spending time with you…you smell delicious…we have so much fun together’ –– *HE* may be clear that he is intending to just have casual sex with her. *SHE* on the other hand may be thinking — ‘he’s the one….finally the right man has shown up — I’m starting to feel safe around him…he’s a “keeper” and the idea of casual sex is the farthest thing from her mind. If they have sex without clarifying their wants and desires (congruent vs mutually aligned angles) this scenario is a sure fire recipe for shut down, dis–ease, tightness, pain etc.
Clarity is absolutely paramount when approaching sex. The more clearly you are able to articulate your wants and desires, the easier it will be to have an open, respectful and truthful conversation with your partner before you come together dynamically and energetically enmeshing not only your bodies but also the fragilities and strengths of the human emotional condition.
We are just scratching the surface here and, as such, this can easily become a deeper conversation covering many more aspects of what is wanted and desired than is allowed for in this space limited blog.
In the interest of keeping it simple, an example of a truthful conversation (using fictional characters) can look like this in response to the inevitable “so what are you looking for?” conversation that all new potential couples have:
*Dick, a man who says what he means and means what he says, tells Jane he thinks she is terrific and he is open to a casual no strings attached connection. He is clear that his life does not have room for a relationship. He knows this is what he wants and feels quite comfortable with honestly telling Jane his truth and is completely unattached to her answer. Jane can then say whatever it is that works for her and they either come together with openness and clarity or they separate no worse for the wear and are completely whole.
*Let’s get back to Jane. Let’s say it is not Jane’s first day, so to speak, and she has figured that she wants more from her relating with men than she did in her earlier years. She has been with the men who are present and connected while having sex and she has been with the men who emotionally disengage when they are inside of her. She can feel when they disengage and it triggers a piece of her that has her feeling as though she has been abandoned (a breakthrough opportunity for growth) and knows now that she wants to be available to a man who can meet her as a man who is present, connected and aware. She feels no bitterness anymore and has accepted that not all men can show up this way and is now holding herself as an open, alive and vibrant woman. She listens to her feminine intuition realizing that casual fun is not for her and from this place, she decides not to go forward with Dick. This creates the space for her to soon meet Steve.
*When she has “the inevitable conversation” with Steve, he reveals that he is open to the exploration of a deeper relating. He has had his fun too and in fact, he knows there is more to lovemaking and is looking to explore this within an intimate relationship with a powerful woman.
Jane and Steve realize that their angles are mutually aligned. They take some Tantra classes, both apart and together, and he realizes that when he is inside of her, he knows and can absolutely feel his connection to her as a communion. He is present, aware and wields his penis with unparalleled consciousness and with a deep energetic connection to his heart. He does not roll off her when complete…as a matter of fact, he rests inside of her between the hours of lovemaking.
In summary:
First: clear, truthful and respectful communication around what you want and desire is key for mutually assured success. Settle for nothing less. Because when you settle, you distract yourself away from what you ultimately want and life is too fucking short to settle. If you want casual fun, have it… embrace it. If you want something more, have that instead. Choose.
Second: know that when you are truthfully and clearly approaching relationship from a mutually aligned angle, there is a safe space that provides:
• a container for relaxation
• boundaries for play
• an opening into or toward a richness
…and in this space, where you are relaxed, playful and open – the possibilities are endless and more than you ever imagined!
Third: Say what you mean and mean what you say. Do whatever is necessary to ground yourself with clarity and heart. (Click here for more about this: http://menstantracircle.blogspot.com/2010/08/man-is-known-by-what-he-does-not-by.html )
A caveat absolutely worth noting is that long term relationship is not the only playground for deep relating. Man and woman can, after creating a safe container, experience tremendous intimacy even when “just having fun.” The opportunity for man to provide a safe space for woman to open and flower can exist in the briefest of times together. All it takes is clarity, presence and reverence.
At the Men’s Tantra Circle, we tackle the issues that get in our way to creating this sort of safe space for woman. Awakening your body so you will feel your intuitive masculine gut and having integrated Core Masculine Principles are the key to having clarity and operating in life, and with woman, with ease and grace.
Any man who has ever intimately experienced and been moved by the richness and fullness of woman is changed forever. He will never go back to what he was experiencing before. Life and relating will never be the same. Larry, one of the men from the MTC, has experienced this — click here to find out:http://menstantracircle.blogspot.com/2010/12/she-laughed-she-cried-she-screamed-and.html
Please participate and leave your comments…let your voice be heard!