I recently had discussions with a couple of men who, when it comes to women, wonder why:
• they are in the terminal “friend zone”
• they spend hours listening to their problems, yet the women can’t “see” them
• their women friends are having hours of hot casual sex with someone other than them
• women will spend time with them when they either need a ride somewhere or a special favor
• they hear, “I could never sleep with you…*that* would ruin our friendship!”
Here is what I suggest men can do about that. The more we men can do to advance the polar opposites of attraction, the better off we will do. This means that we embrace the parts of us that are Man and allow room for Woman to embrace the parts of her that are naturally Woman.
In this case, let’s just remember that at his core, Man is a hunter. The most successful hunter will eat well and survive to hunt the next day and will do so because he possesses the following qualities:
• direction
• clarity
• courage
• confidence
• focus
• determination
• good health / agility / strength
These hunter qualities are also valuable when approaching a woman. At her core, woman is not a hunter. In this case, she is the hunted… the desired one. She *knows* this…and this is OK.
All we have to do is look at how closely we relate to, and then learn from, the animal kingdom and see how the courting ritual plays out. Look at the male lions, gorillas, water buffalo and peacocks. Watch how they posture, listen to the grand noises they make, observe how shiny their coats are and revel in their how they will fiercely oppose any territorial challenge from the other males. These are a reflection of their confidence and determination as evidenced by their position in the front of the pack. The ones in the back of the pack are hardly noticed as they are picked off by other predators or fade away.
The female is genetically programmed to suss out the pack of all the eligible males and then choose the one to mate with that is most likely to assure that the pack or herd will not die out. It makes perfect sense! There is nothing about this that is unclear. This is the natural order of it all. Simple, clear and supported by the natural dynamic opposite polarity between male and female so well illustrated here at the most basic of levels.
In today’s modern times, we do not have to hunt for our food but we do have to hunt and compete for the best jobs or to be the one who always has the best tickets for a highly touted social event, or the connection to the best (fill in the blank)… the examples are limitless. However, this type of hunting is not nearly as risky as the hunt for a date and this is where some men get fucked up. You see, it is much easier to be friends with a woman than it is to put yourself on the line and say boldly and clearly with your actions: I want you..Here I am…I am here to claim you…and have her “feel” your presence in such a way (opposing polarities) that activates her natural mating / choosing instinct.
Here are two real life examples:
* I witnessed a man I know well standing with a woman in a social setting. I knew from earlier private conversations that he was interested in her. He was standing side by side, right next to her. I did not feel or notice that there was any “tension” between them. They may as well have been brother and sister. Later while exclaiming that he doesn’t know how to bridge the “friend gap” I mentioned how I noticed his body language was too “safe.”
This is a warm and wonderful man, yet how will she see him unless he advances the opposite polarities. At this point, he doesn’t have to say anything different but… if he stood more directly in front of her or maybe just off to the side a little bit and j u s t respectfully close enough to feel the tension that naturally exists between men and women, he may have different results. Standing in front of her is a strong stance. It conveys a “here I am attitude… I am to be noticed and I want you to know that I am interested in you.”However, he risks rejection if he takes that stand…but this will definitely secure him a space closer to a front of the herd position than before.
*Another man, who is also a terrific man, was being ambiguous about his intentions for what a new date with a long time friend would be. Further complicating things was this long time friend was friends with his ex girlfriend. He felt a new chemistry for her but had not been clear about it when he asked her out. Since he was afraid of upsetting either one or both women, he was adopting a let’s go out on date and we’ll “see what happens” attitude. In other words, he was playing it safe and allowing the circumstance to determine and control the results *instead* of seizing the initiative himself and saying outright something like this;”Hey, I know we have been good friends for a long time and it’s becoming clear that I now have a new stronger feeling for you because of (pick something wonderful about her that genuinely moves him) and I want to explore this as a new possibility between us.” Then, she has a choice in what happens instead of possibly feeling / intuiting a sideways agenda while he waits and “sees what will happen.”
However, with that up front and straightforward approach, he does risk upsetting her and his ex, but hasn’t he upset them before and survived?! AND, doesn’t he think they will also be upset after it eventually comes out that this was his intention all along and he wasn’t straight forward and honest about it? Seizing the initiative and being honest and clear positions him more to the front of the herd.
So, what are you “Forever friends” men afraid of in your other real life situations? Are you afraid:
• of her?!
• to upset her?
• that she will laugh at you?
• that you don’t measure up to the competition?
• that you’ll lose her friendship if she finds out *the truth* that you really do want to sleep with her?
• of rejection?
• that you are not the best?
Listen, I do not pretend to have never felt, at one time or another, any or all of these. Each time that I was aware of even one of these, I felt the hesitation that comes from doubt and I held back effectively suffocating my unique essence. Figuratively, I put myself at a farther position away from the front of the herd and invariably watched whomever I was interested in choose another man.
Just so you know, I also have been the sucker that some 30 years ago was the “best friend” just waiting for the opportunity for her to “throw me a bone” when there was nothing else available to her. She “cared too much to have sex with me” and said it would “ruin our friendship.” Without knowing any better, I put up with it all for years succumbing to my fear of upsetting her, or that maybe she would laugh at me or reject me and subsequently took my proper place at – the – back – of – the herd….
By obvious contrast, 7 years ago I saw this new, extremely HOT, gorgeous and beautiful new bank loan officer sitting behind a desk. We briefly exchanged a smile one day and then again a few more times on subsequent visits. I hesitated to act while I ran some old tapes in my head that this woman is “too hot” and would have nothing to do with me. Or, she was too busy with customers and me approaching her would be distracting. Truth is, I was nervous. However, despite my nervousness, I was still a man:
• who knows who I am
• where I am going
• and what I will fight for
…and the next day armed with that refreshed clarity and direction, I dressed up nicely and walked into the bank. Quite frankly, it was a l o n g walk into the bank and admittedly, I was nervous. She was not at her desk. When I asked about her, I found out that she would would return very shortly. So, I took a seat at one of the chairs in front of her desk and waited for her to return.
When she came back, she greeted me politely and sat on her side of the desk. I simply told her “I do not have any official bank business today.” She paused looking mildly intrigued. I continued, “I just want you to know that I noticed you the last time I was in here and I wanted you to know that I think you are just about the most attractive woman I have ever seen and I want to introduce myself to you.” She sat back and smiled. I leaned forward just enough with an outstretched hand to shake hers and said,” I‘m Martin, it’s nice to meet you.” She smiled broadly and blushed slightly while meeting my gaze. She gently shook my outstretched hand and said, “Thank you so much for the compliment… I’m flattered. However, I do need to tell you that I am in a relationship now.”
Despite ‘striking out,’ I left the bank feeling more alive than I had recently remembered. It was ultimately a great experience because although I felt nervous, I also felt clear, directed, courageous, confident and focused: and YES…I felt well positioned at the front of the herd. Such a much better experience than succumbing to my fears and sacrificing my self expression!
And lastly, nearly 6 years ago, I stood in front of Charu and without a shred of ambiguity told her I wanted her and that I was looking for an intimate relationship with a powerful woman. I was open and focused with my love and attention. She chose me. We are together today…Life is good at the front of the herd.
The take home points to avoid being “Forever the friend and never the one fucked”:
• Know who you are, where you are going and what you will fight for
• Advance the opposite polarities that will ultimately attract and continue to draw women to you.
• Run at the front of the herd – you will then attract a higher quality woman and she will more likely choose you
• Own the qualities of the Hunter. It is who you are and it will serve you in all areas of life
• Be clear with your intentions. Ambiguity can work against you.
• Face your fears — Landmark Education poignantly states “You only need to be afraid of a loaded gun that is pointed at your face. Apart from that, you do not have to be afraid of anything else.”
• “Doubt Kills the Warrior” — Justin Sterling (fear leads to doubt and then hesitation — not good for Warriors)
• If you are afraid of a woman, you will not be able to stand up to her. If you are not able to stand up to her, how will she ever trust you to stand up for her?!— Justin may have said this too.
There is a lot of information here in this blog… especially within the last set of bullet points. These issues come up a lot with men. Trust me, you are not the only one with questions. Where can you go to get the support you need?
Come to the Sunday Men’s Circle where we meet weekly use simple and dynamic meditations to awaken the body and get us out of our heads. We do exercises around the Core Masculine Principles which when integrated allow to us to live an authentic life of ease and grace.
I would love your comments. Let your voice be heard!